Moving On

I know she won't see this post. She won't know.

For a while, I seem to have forgotten the pain.  Seemed like a long time ago but also seemed like yesterday. I took a step and fell off a cliff, landing and breaking everything possible. I thought I could be neutral, I thought I will feel nothing. I could not be more wrong. We stopped talking. Stopped exchanging messages. I avoided going back on Saturdays. Seems like I forgot and thought I will be at my favourite place. What happened after that was nothing short of a nightmare for me. I dare not look into her eyes. I dare not make conversation. Yes, I am a coward. My courage eluded me and fear was overflowing. Sadness soon overcame and those memories that were locked up returned. Shame on me. If I were to start all over again, I believe I will still make the same choice.

Perhaps no one else will know, of the confession I told. But perhaps at least one of us will feel the pain unfold.

This is for you , J.

The Day I Died

Maybe it's just me.

When I saw what I saw, my world crumbled. Thoughts running through my mind, telling me all things bad, then telling myself how this is not what is seems to be. How is it that a simple act of dropping something into the bin can have such an effect on me? Did I put unnecessary pressure on her? I haven't said anything. I don't expect my feelings to be reciprocated. Neither do I expected my effort to be thrown away, as though without a thought given.

Yes. It is a one-sided affair and I should have foresaw what just happened. No. It does not feel OK. I have feelings too. Surely I can feel pain, hurt, disappointment. My face says OK but look deeper. I'm not. You can come straight to my face and tell it to me in my face. Hints don't work. Maybe I should just ask. If you don't like it, say so. If you are not ready, say so. If anything, say so. I can stop. I'm too chicken to ask.

I hate it how I cannot cry my heart out there and then. I hate it how people assume I am always happy and cheerful. I hate it how I cannot shout out to the whole world there and then because I need to maintain my professional standards. I hate it.

A little part of me just died. Along with it, a little bit of my happiness.

How did you start your 2012?

Chicken shit on the 1st few hours. How am I to last another year? This chapter must close....

Happy 369th birthday Sir Isaac Newton!!

It's Christmas. I'm an Atheist.

I don't believe in big guy up in the sky, man who rode a flying horse or an woman pregnant for three years, big bearded man on top of a mountain, or simply put it, religions.

I saw some kids posting on Facebook saying 2011 years ago, JC was born. I decided to do some reading of my own. Surprise!! Not everyone of his faith were on the same page. I don't believe it anyway but that is for a different reason.

Assuming JC really existed, December 25 would not be the day! Based on the constellations, it is most likely to be in September. I'll leave you to scour on your own, for the 'facts' of the birth of a man who would be the Son of God.

Since I don't believe in a god, here's my input on the 'immaculate' birth. Here goes:

1. Joseph and Mary had a wild night.
2. Mary and some man had a wild night .
3. Some man forced himself on Mary.
4. Mary did get pregnant on her own. Meaning JC has to be a woman. Y chromosomes has to come from a man.
5. Mary sat on a pool of sperm (freaky).

Believe what you want.

For the record, I'm an Atheist. So happy birthday Sir Isaac Newton!! Yes! Sir Isaac Newton was born on 25th December. This, I know, is true!

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that take religion." - Steven Weinberg